Oh, it's been a little while since I wrote here. Hmmm, that could be because I only blog when I should be working. Wait, that makes seem like I don't work. I think this could be a dangerous blog...When I don't know what I'm going to write about, things get out of hand. First of all, and update...life is so amazing right now. No, I didn't win the lottery and no, Jaidyn isn't miraculously an obedient, docile child...(internal sigh) But, she did get into Head Start, a pre-school program that prepares her for kindergarten (that's a weird word, I wonder where and what it it's derived from?) it's 4 hours a day, every day of the work week. So, to those of you who have been praying for me and relief, God answers in sometimes round-about ways! I will get 4 hours to be me Monday through Friday! And Jaidyn will get the structure, kid time and learning she needs to stimulate, grow, engross and direct her energy! She's uber excited about going to school, ask her about it, she'll tell you tons!
I've been cleaning out my emotional leftovers and have been discovering that it wasn't as difficult or time consuming as I thought it'd be. God is powerful and swift! Especially when getting rid of said emotional leftovers puts me back onto God's path for my life! How efficient he is, eh? It is a little bittersweet though, I won't lie. Katie will kill me for thinking about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named (no, it's not Voldemort) But, honestly, it's not a cold turkey thing. (Another saying I'd like to know the origin of). And wow, I really have nothing more to say on the whole looking back and reminiscing about him topic! God is swift! Maybe I'm more melancholy about it because I lost so much time? Wasted so much of me on someone who deserved so little of me? I let someone sample my preserves (as Jenny Far Far would say) and I feel that loss in me...sad. Really sad, actually. That's a year of my life, a year and a half of my emotions, a piece of my heart and my daughter's heart that was given to someone who didn't deserve any of it. Those are all things I can't take back, and things that were given to someone who isn't my husband. Gross. I don't want my husband to be shelling out pieces of him. Bleck!
Well, anyways, I had major breakthrough in this department. I was released from bondage and from blindness! I am freed because my Almighty Savior loves me and wants me, he seeks me to all corners of the world and in whatever stupid situation I get myself tangled in. Sometimes He just has to speak loudly from someone's earthly voice (you know who you people are!)
I'm done with that stumbling block, I want to avoid it and not fall on my face, thank you very much!
So, thank you to the people who have been praying for me! God's working in my life through you guys! (And by guys, I mean people, I wouldn't want there to be any confusion about having guys pray for girls!) That was a little mean...I know, but hey, it's how I feel.
So, over that segment and into the next...
I probably won't have anything profound for you all today...not that I"m usually profound or anything. I like coffee. Lots of it.
I'll just tell you some of the reasons I'm looking forward to 2009
1. More God, less selfish me stuff
2. Watching Jaidyn grow and turn more into herself
3. Family unity
4. Blossoming friendships
5. March
6. Renewal
7. God's decision about YWAM for me...I hope he thinks it's as good an idea as I do
8. Restoration
9. Financial Peace class (which I missed the first one, oops)
10. M.A.C.s Hello Kitty Collection (def. deserves a top 10 place)
11. Amanda quitting her job so I can hang out with her more...okay, that's selfish me stuff, but still.
12. Finding a secret coffee shop that will be all my own and totally cool where I invite only my special friends. You'll need a password.
13. Shoes, more of them and with higher heels
14. Katie wisdom, it's good, and peculiar at times.
15. A vacation and not to Arizona because visiting brothers and shopping doesn't count as an actual vacation
16. Reaching out to Single Moms (and yes, the title does deserve caps) and seeing a hurting and desperate community come to life in Christ! It will happen!
17. Tattoos, possibly more than 2...
18. NOT coloring my hair for 6 months, if I do, you have full permission to kick me.
19. Jennifer time...you just can't get enough of what she has to say...listen!
20. Jaidyn's school work, it will be so cute with crooked writing and pictures of Dallas.
21. Finally getting to hang out with Ryan, he reclusive friend that wants to hang out, but we never catch each other at the right time.
22. God in my cousin's life. He needs Him major.
23. New Moon movie, I'll be in line for the midnight premier fo sho!
24. Becoming a real make up artist
25. becoming a better mommy
26. not having a double chin, a serious undertaking, you know
27. Going to more concerts
29. Being confident in who I am and how I was created
30. Use cool words, like frittle, in everday conversations
31. Be more like Jesus
32. Receive flowers, I'm not entirely sure how this will work out, but, hey, I can look forward to it
33. be a part of something BIG
34. Being beautiful
35. Getting a massage
36. Hosting a wicked awesome party, in costume of course!
37. Making new friends
38. Painting more
39. Finding my new favorite restaurant
40. Selling shoes that I no longer wear. Out with the old! yada yada
41. Seeing more good in my world than bad
42. Girls nights and all that they encompass
43. Enjoying my job more and more
44. Caring less what people think of me
45. Being more spirit lead
46. Finding a perfect bra
47. Just M.A.C. in general
48. Saving more and spending less
49. Amani Life Project
50. Occasional bouts of the C 3 diet
51. Finding my niche out here
52. March, I know I already said it, but it's important to me
53. Summer, a really really awesome summer to make up for '08
54. Making my bed every day
55. A new small group that I actually feel a part of, and that actually meets in real life
56. Fashion Show
57. Movie Nights with Jaidyn
58. Jaidyn is the Boss of the Day days (we always end up doing much more fun things than when I'm boss)
59. October 25th, because my birthday is all important, and it should be to everybody
60. Make up
61. Journals, lots of them, and make em pretty
62. A pair of ridiculously expensive jeans, just so I know what all the fuss is about
63. Splurging on myself, because no one else will do it
64. Weddings! Because I won't be bitter!
65. Going to the lake with friends and family, this also includes camping of all varieties
66. growing out my nails
67. Getting healthier
68. reading more than socially acceptable
69. Meeting Edward, okay, this may not be feasible, but hey, a girl can dream of a gorgeous, romantic vampire boyfriend, can't she?
70. Being more Me, not what people want me to be, or what I think people want me to be. But being who God created me to be, all of it, silly, weird, fun, outrageous, artist, strong, bold...all of it. Embracing who I am in Christ.
Basking in the 4 hour answer to prayer and looking forward,
Kaila
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
2008, Love, Twilight and Leftovers
Wow, it's 2009 already. It's weird to look back on 2008 and think about how different my life was at this time. I had just sustained a back ninjury(this was a typo, but I decided to keep it...a ninjury is when my ninja skills fail me, apparently) and was probably really strung out on painkillers and muscle relaxers. A 450+ pound woman fell and brought me along for the ride. I remember all I was wishing for, what I got and who I lost. My sister had a baby. I saw Cirque De Soleil, which I'd wanted to see for YEARS! I went camping on the Oregon coast...in April...in a tent. It hailed and snowed, but still was a lot of fun. I started a bad habit while stalking and talking, and quit my delicious, smells like Christmas bad habit a few months later. I fell in love. I became friends with some girls purely because I spend so much money on M.A.C. (enter guilt here, Orphans could be sent to college with this money). I changed the struts on my car...by myself! Guys, be impressed. I also changed my oil a few times too. I bought a digital camera, I wanted pink, but there was only green. I went out...more than I have ever. I developed an appriciation for a good beer. No more Corona for me! I broke a tooth on a banana Runt, got a knarly MRSA infection (again, thanks to a patient and no signage for contact precautions! Gotta love St. Charles) had to go to the hospital every 4 hours for IV antibiotics for 2 days and in the end had to have the tooth pulled. With losing my tooth, I gained a slight lisp. Listen for it, especially with the TH sounds, I occasionally sound like Daffy the Duck. So, along with more attractive points.........
I read the entire Twilight Saga in like less than 2 weeks. I cried while reading New Moon. And, yes, I do wish Edward Cullen was real. I moved across town to a really cute condo on Single Mom Alley. My daughter saw her dad for the first time in 2 years. I got paid to do someone's makeup! I found my twin on earth. Seriously, she's just like me...check her myspace...she's on my top friends. I lost 2 people I loved. One is gone forever and his memories will be cherished, and my books he doodled on. My daughter and I got a dog...she's a robot. And her name is Annika Pranika. I got a new tattoo...it's beautiful. I gave a person a tattoo, it's hideous! I bought flats...intentionally. For work people! I learned that the grey alpaca's color is worth a pretty penny. I watched movies. Lots of them. I became addicted to UFC. I had my first Valentine's Day. No flowers, but some really pretty shoes. Mmmmmm shoes. I went to the High Desert Museum for the first time ever! Such fun it was, I got some great pictures and some endearing memories. I had the worst summer in the history of me. It was awful and dark, but in that summer, I met the greatness of Katie. She's like an anti-drug. Seriously.
Speaking of Katie, Jaidyn was attacked by a vicious tiger and still has a scar. Bad Meow.
I spent some lonley months with just myself, my daughter and work. Not to say that spending time with my kid is boring, but I had no time to be Kaila, just always mommy or Kala (that's how my name is spelled on my work badge). I rode in a Hummer H2, was not impressed. I saw old friends that I haven't even thought about since high school. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in 3 years. I switched to the most amazing work schedule I've EVER had. I colored my hair fire engine red. It was glorious. I did leopard print eye makeup. Yes, you read right. Leopard print, on my eyes...epic.
I took about 200 randomly ridiculous pictures in one night, involving a stuffed fish, swords, wigs and feather boas.
Stalking and Talking. There's no more to it than that.
I attempted to make feather earrings. But discovered I have an impossibly short neck and they look terrible. I kept up with CSI after working all through 2007 season. And I totally cried when Warrick died. Sniff sniff. I became obsessive about being on the Amazing Race. Obsessive. I .haven't given up the dream...I WILL be on that show someday. I spent more on M.A.C. than my car is worth. I became an aunt. I bought Danskos...some of the UGLIEST shoes ever...but of course, they're for work. I started one of those cool journals where pictures and momentos are glued in...and left it when our story ended. I went to Saturday Market in Portland, and while this is not in and of itself a big deal, it was the company that was a big deal. I got a really cute hat too.
I chopped all of my hair off. Yup, sure did. And bleached the crap out of it too. EEEeeeee! I put highlights in Jaidyn's hair. Yes, I'm that kind of mom.
Let's go back to the whole Twilight section...seriously, I read the entire saga in like 2 weeks. And since I bought all the books I've read the saga 8 times. I'm working on the 9th. It's a huge epic Vampire love story. What, besides Jesus saving us fromn hell, could be better? Seriously?
Ok, I don't take what Jesus did for me lightly, and while I love Jesus....I really like vampires too. Really really like Vampires. Like, I have demi-permanent vampire fangs that I wear, nowhere near Halloween too. Often. So often, in fact, that there's a nurse on Ortho that calls me Count Kaila whenever he sees me. And no, it's not the cute nurse that I have a junior high crush on. :( I have a bumper sticker on my car that states that I, Kaila Backman, am indeed "with the Vampires, of course" That's like going public. That's more than Facebook official, where, in that silly whimiscal world of facebook, you can change your undying allegiance with the click of a mouse. It's practically like sending out engagement announcements. And not only do I have that bumper sticker, my precious romantic heart has another Twilight bumper sticker about how a lion fell in love with a lamb. What a stupid lamb...and you know the rest. There you have it, my pledge to Twilight, all over my geo prism. I freaking love Twilight. And Edward Cullen? I'm pretty sure that in some abstract forgotten language Edward Cullen translates to most perfect boyfriend in the history of real or fictional men. My only advice to the opposite sex? Not reading Twilight is only hindering you my friends. Read Twilight, be Edward. Capiche?
Speaking of love...isn't it confusing? And hard? And, when it fizzles, or never really ignites, really really lame?
I'm sitting here at work thinking about how much I've thought about love in the last year. 2008 was a big year in the love category for my life. I dated my best friend, people say that's the best mate, a really good idea and all that. I think they're liars, all of them. Either that or they've never dated their best friend and then broke up. You don't only lose a boyfriend or girlfriend, you lose a friend. Because, let's be honest, it's never the same after. You can't just go back to the whole "we're just really good friends" it's just impossible. Because there's leftovers. Emotions that are very real and very there, just like the leftovers in the fridge. You don't really have anywhere else to put them so into the fridge they go, you think you'll use them again, so you let them sit in their sealed up little tupperware. When you look inside later though, you see them and wonder, "Hmmm, it's been awhile, but I think it'll be okay" only to crack that tupperware lid and BAM!!! you're knocked flat on your back and not because of the alluring aroma. Oh no, because while you've "safely" tucked away those leftover emotions, they've been festering in their tupperware, and now, not only is there the original emotion, but a little extra has been growing in there too. Maybe some bitterness has grown. Or perhaps some feelings of inadequacy. All sorts of other stuff can take root while you're not looking (on purpsse, don't lie) while you've been holding on to the leftovers, when really, you don't even LIKE leftovers, it's just a waste of space anyway, taking a place where perfectly new and fresh stuff could go. Or perhaps something more appetizing could go there, like a new sense of adventure, or forgiveness. Hmmm, you just don't know what sorts of stuff you're missing out on when you store the leftovers. And when I say you, I mean me. This little anecdote has been a small revelation to me, whilst I sit here blogging my shift away, in fact. Don't you love revelations like that...although, I much prefer the word epiphanies. That's a great word. I have small epiphanies like my leftovers one tonight quite often. YOu'd think with all the epiphanies going on in my life, I'd have it more together. But, alas, I'm hard headed...or dumb, but I really have an aversion to dumb people, so I prefer hard headed. Well, as this blog now looks like utter chaos, I'm going to call it quits.
Here's to cleaning out our stinky fridge's and to loving Vampires.
Ciao
Kaila
I read the entire Twilight Saga in like less than 2 weeks. I cried while reading New Moon. And, yes, I do wish Edward Cullen was real. I moved across town to a really cute condo on Single Mom Alley. My daughter saw her dad for the first time in 2 years. I got paid to do someone's makeup! I found my twin on earth. Seriously, she's just like me...check her myspace...she's on my top friends. I lost 2 people I loved. One is gone forever and his memories will be cherished, and my books he doodled on. My daughter and I got a dog...she's a robot. And her name is Annika Pranika. I got a new tattoo...it's beautiful. I gave a person a tattoo, it's hideous! I bought flats...intentionally. For work people! I learned that the grey alpaca's color is worth a pretty penny. I watched movies. Lots of them. I became addicted to UFC. I had my first Valentine's Day. No flowers, but some really pretty shoes. Mmmmmm shoes. I went to the High Desert Museum for the first time ever! Such fun it was, I got some great pictures and some endearing memories. I had the worst summer in the history of me. It was awful and dark, but in that summer, I met the greatness of Katie. She's like an anti-drug. Seriously.
Speaking of Katie, Jaidyn was attacked by a vicious tiger and still has a scar. Bad Meow.
I spent some lonley months with just myself, my daughter and work. Not to say that spending time with my kid is boring, but I had no time to be Kaila, just always mommy or Kala (that's how my name is spelled on my work badge). I rode in a Hummer H2, was not impressed. I saw old friends that I haven't even thought about since high school. I got to spend Thanksgiving with my family for the first time in 3 years. I switched to the most amazing work schedule I've EVER had. I colored my hair fire engine red. It was glorious. I did leopard print eye makeup. Yes, you read right. Leopard print, on my eyes...epic.
I took about 200 randomly ridiculous pictures in one night, involving a stuffed fish, swords, wigs and feather boas.
Stalking and Talking. There's no more to it than that.
I attempted to make feather earrings. But discovered I have an impossibly short neck and they look terrible. I kept up with CSI after working all through 2007 season. And I totally cried when Warrick died. Sniff sniff. I became obsessive about being on the Amazing Race. Obsessive. I .haven't given up the dream...I WILL be on that show someday. I spent more on M.A.C. than my car is worth. I became an aunt. I bought Danskos...some of the UGLIEST shoes ever...but of course, they're for work. I started one of those cool journals where pictures and momentos are glued in...and left it when our story ended. I went to Saturday Market in Portland, and while this is not in and of itself a big deal, it was the company that was a big deal. I got a really cute hat too.
I chopped all of my hair off. Yup, sure did. And bleached the crap out of it too. EEEeeeee! I put highlights in Jaidyn's hair. Yes, I'm that kind of mom.
Let's go back to the whole Twilight section...seriously, I read the entire saga in like 2 weeks. And since I bought all the books I've read the saga 8 times. I'm working on the 9th. It's a huge epic Vampire love story. What, besides Jesus saving us fromn hell, could be better? Seriously?
Ok, I don't take what Jesus did for me lightly, and while I love Jesus....I really like vampires too. Really really like Vampires. Like, I have demi-permanent vampire fangs that I wear, nowhere near Halloween too. Often. So often, in fact, that there's a nurse on Ortho that calls me Count Kaila whenever he sees me. And no, it's not the cute nurse that I have a junior high crush on. :( I have a bumper sticker on my car that states that I, Kaila Backman, am indeed "with the Vampires, of course" That's like going public. That's more than Facebook official, where, in that silly whimiscal world of facebook, you can change your undying allegiance with the click of a mouse. It's practically like sending out engagement announcements. And not only do I have that bumper sticker, my precious romantic heart has another Twilight bumper sticker about how a lion fell in love with a lamb. What a stupid lamb...and you know the rest. There you have it, my pledge to Twilight, all over my geo prism. I freaking love Twilight. And Edward Cullen? I'm pretty sure that in some abstract forgotten language Edward Cullen translates to most perfect boyfriend in the history of real or fictional men. My only advice to the opposite sex? Not reading Twilight is only hindering you my friends. Read Twilight, be Edward. Capiche?
Speaking of love...isn't it confusing? And hard? And, when it fizzles, or never really ignites, really really lame?
I'm sitting here at work thinking about how much I've thought about love in the last year. 2008 was a big year in the love category for my life. I dated my best friend, people say that's the best mate, a really good idea and all that. I think they're liars, all of them. Either that or they've never dated their best friend and then broke up. You don't only lose a boyfriend or girlfriend, you lose a friend. Because, let's be honest, it's never the same after. You can't just go back to the whole "we're just really good friends" it's just impossible. Because there's leftovers. Emotions that are very real and very there, just like the leftovers in the fridge. You don't really have anywhere else to put them so into the fridge they go, you think you'll use them again, so you let them sit in their sealed up little tupperware. When you look inside later though, you see them and wonder, "Hmmm, it's been awhile, but I think it'll be okay" only to crack that tupperware lid and BAM!!! you're knocked flat on your back and not because of the alluring aroma. Oh no, because while you've "safely" tucked away those leftover emotions, they've been festering in their tupperware, and now, not only is there the original emotion, but a little extra has been growing in there too. Maybe some bitterness has grown. Or perhaps some feelings of inadequacy. All sorts of other stuff can take root while you're not looking (on purpsse, don't lie) while you've been holding on to the leftovers, when really, you don't even LIKE leftovers, it's just a waste of space anyway, taking a place where perfectly new and fresh stuff could go. Or perhaps something more appetizing could go there, like a new sense of adventure, or forgiveness. Hmmm, you just don't know what sorts of stuff you're missing out on when you store the leftovers. And when I say you, I mean me. This little anecdote has been a small revelation to me, whilst I sit here blogging my shift away, in fact. Don't you love revelations like that...although, I much prefer the word epiphanies. That's a great word. I have small epiphanies like my leftovers one tonight quite often. YOu'd think with all the epiphanies going on in my life, I'd have it more together. But, alas, I'm hard headed...or dumb, but I really have an aversion to dumb people, so I prefer hard headed. Well, as this blog now looks like utter chaos, I'm going to call it quits.
Here's to cleaning out our stinky fridge's and to loving Vampires.
Ciao
Kaila
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